I have gone back through all my posts from 2008 to now and published all the ones I had hidden in drafts. They are all out of order... maybe that does not matter as I mostly wrote them stream of consciousness... which never ran straight.
So if you find this blog, forgive my rambles but not the ones who hurt me... I have... sort of... but in reality it is only now that I have woken up from 22 years of gaslighting and brainwashing.
It is only now I've been able to look back on my life and see the patterns... where they really mental illness - or codependence?
4 months ago I ended a relationship with a man who terrorized and controlled me. I was not allowed to be me, and my notes to myself during that time were so sad. I was so trapped and unhappy, but yet I had chosen to be with him. Why? Every night I went to bed wishing he were gone. I woke up every morning wondering when it was ok to get out of bed without getting his anger.
I find myself looking back on signs of codependence in my life.
How could I have missed all of it?
How could I have been convinced I could not change.
How could I think over and over I had changed only to start the cycle again and again?
It's been 4 months of starting over. Coda saved my life. My fellowship has been the boat I've sailed on over the uncertain and choppy waters. Today I am feeling OK. Busy... but lonely too. But not bi-polar. 4 months of what started as crazy, but no BP incidents .... none...
Do I have a story?
Will anyone want to read it?
Will it be a good thing to write it or will it bring me to a dark place. a compulsive place where I think of nothing else. Will it trigger a mania that I'll follow into a rabbit hole?
no idea
Maybe
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