If you're reading his

I don't see my blog as social media, even though I know technically it is. It's word press. I publish my posts (most of them) and check back now and then to see if any one besides myself is actually reading my posts. Surprisingly, there are.

I'm intrigued by which posts get attention.  Now its Nothing has been getting hits lately. I don't know who reads, just how many, but I honestly don't care who is reading this or not.

But in the sake of sounding like I give a fuck, why that post?

It's a bit buried. It's personal. But it's message is clear, I no longer waist my time reading any social media posts except for the ones from my friends on facebook (if I'm online) and twitter (because we bought stock in it) and maybe I'll look at friend's instagrams.

The key word is "friends."

Something changed in my life and I'm finally, truly, at peace. I stopped searching and reading posts from anyone who's not my friend. There is nothing to see that needs seeing, or reading, or caring about other than my real life. And my life is in a REALLY good place right now.

It's up to me not to give a fuck about anything else.

Remembering Robin Williams

1979 I was tipped off by Dana Carey that his friend, Robin Williams was going to be "dropping in" to the tiny comedy club in San Francisco - the Holy City Zoo. I was at sitting at the bar when Robin walked in. He got behind the bar and took my order for a beer. Once the room was full, he jumped up on the stage a few feet away and did his thing. Most of his set was improvised and the riff that has stayed with me was when he asked the audience to give him something and was handed a wooden chair. Talking to the seat he said "I bet you've seen a lot of assholes."

At the time, Robin was playing Mork in the hit show "Mork and Mindy," but he made it clear that night that if anyone asked him to be Mork - he would walk out. Mork was not Robin, and dropping into the Holy City Zoo was his way of exorcising that demon. In the club, he was free to be himself. That night he was a whirlwind of hysterical characters, many of which he would slip in and out of through his entire career.

Behind the bar, he was just Robin, a furry, teddy bear of a man with eyes that met yours and sparkled with merriment. On the stage he was a comic tornado.

Yes, there's more to my story about that time in my life. The 1970's bought a comedy renaissance to San Francisco. Some of the most recognized comics of our time started there or came through there to hone their acts. To say I was obsessed with comedians, and in particular Dana, is perhaps an understatement. I wanted to be a comedian, but I had no idea where to start. So I met as many comedians as I could and got to know them onstage and off. Three years later began performing improvisational comedy, I brought what I'd learned into my own characters and found my own comic style. I did improv for over 20 years and would do it again in a heartbeat.

1989 I tried my hand at stand-up. Five minute sets, at open mikes, in clubs in and out of San Francisco. I never bombed, but I never really took to it either. There was just something unsatisfying about being the same character saying the same words night after night. I did it for only four months.

The last time I did my five minutes, I took a book with me, "How to Make Love to a Single Woman" I asked the audience for page numbers and literally read what I found on those pages and made off-hand comments from a woman's perspective. For five minutes I had the attention and laughter of everyone in the room. I walked away happy and never looked back.

I can't say I learned sarcasm from Robin, but he certainly influenced me and hundreds of other comics and would-be comics. There was no one like Robin in 1979 and there is still no one like Robin in 2014. Robin's off-hand comments had the attention and laughter of everyone in the world for decades.


If only he could have walked away happy.

Now it's nothing!

I see Ben reads my blog now, or at least enough of it to say "you write about me -  but I'm right here! " Yes I do and I will continue to since this blog is really for me and Ben is my favorite topic.

I wonder if I've left a hole in the world where I used to obsess over posts on social media.  I felt I had to. And for years it held be captive...needing to see... to know. And  KABOOM now it's nothing!  I proud of myself finding the confidence to let it go. The longer I focus on what matters now in my life the happier I am. Soon even the thought of it will be nothing. leaving no mark on my life.

By avoiding (and sometimes blocking) people on social media is a bit like Sookie Stackhouse uninviting a vampire into her home. It's amazing the power of a closed (and locked) door.

You complete me - no matter what

Corny but true. What Ben and I achieve together is greater than either of us could do on our own. Since we put the effort into meeting people, doing more local work both websites and photography we have a pretty healthy work schedule.

I look around this house and I can't imagine it without him, same with the businesses. Without Ben, my life and work would be empty and unbelievably sad. Part of my crazy brain (but not crazy at the moment) is the worry. I young woman - 25- married the love of her life also 25 last August. He fell off a boat into a lake and vanished. They found his body days later. They were so much a part of the hip young Canton crowd. It brings me back to appreciating what Ben and I have and all those "you know I love you more than anything" the fierce hugs, the teasing, and finally an open book, He gave me all the keys to his castle - social media, chat, twitter, facebook, Google+. I can open any of  his devises and look at anything, though more and more I don't. I now see all of him and I would never risk loosing him. We are a bond, a business, a love, and role models for most everyone we meet. We go everywhere together as much as possible. (he hates errands and I don't force him to visit my mother) I drive. He rides.

I'm not trying to claim him or force him (well, I have encouraged him to wear his wedding ring and he is.) He us of free will as I am. He is hit on every time we photograph a band in a bar.(though mostly by drunk young women) and I am hit on by "old" men (by my standards that's anyone 50 and older. We tell each other and we laugh. I know he will never take them up to meet them and certainly not for sex. No matter how upset we might feel with each other, that is never going to happen. I kicked the habit over 15 years ago - still embarrassed and hate myself for it. But not once has it crossed my mind. To me my husband is the most wonderful adorable person in my world.

When ever I doubt, I go to bed with his legs and body all tangled up with mine and realize this is every night. Pushed together so tight.

I love him completely and forever, no matter what.

Becoming a photographer

Ben gave me a professional camera, taught me the basics, and has me take it everywhere. The more photos I shoot, the better I get. Framing the shot comes easy, but it's the technical side I'm learning - how to get the image to turn out the way I want it to.

This photo of Ben (and my son in the background) is my latest favorite.

Closing the gap

We've all gone through periods where we distance ourselves from the ones we love. The reasons vary, but really don't matter as long has the gap closes again. And when the gap is permanently closed, it's a bit magical. I would never want there to be distance as a means to get to the magical, but it makes it easier to accept and move on. Worst possible way to achieve the best possible outcome.

I understand. I forgive. I love and love and love and love.

Signs of mental illness

I've been talking a  lot to Ben and my kids about what it was like growing up with my untreated Bi Polar. Much like my last post, I would focus on something and it would bounce around in my head until I exploded. Not knowing how to interact with me, they either got out of my way, or tried to reason with me. Typically I was unreasonable, and any of them could end up the focus of my frustration.  Who could help a manic mess who's screaming about how no one cleans the floors, etc. They didn't have a diagnosis to explain my bizarre and unexpected behaviors, but they could see that there were moments before a total melt down where there were 2 things I needed that might calm me if I could verbalize them and then receive them.

Cas and Aaron talked about making 2 signs. The first one "I need help." and the second "I need a hug." Simple, but very true. When my mania had not yet taken hold of my mind and was driving it to do and think crazy things, all I really needed was for someone to understand my unsettled mind. Before meltdown, I craved  human contact with the ones I love. If I'd had signs, I would have words for what I was needing. Even in the midst of a breakdown, I could use the signs to let my loved ones know it was not them I was upset with, but myself.

I think it's time I made these signs.

Eye of the storm

It's like a storm.

A storm blows this way and that - in an almost mindless way as it moves across the land. We are warned, there could be lightning, or tornadoes. There could be arctic cold or blistering heat. The winds could be strong enough to pick up your house and everything in it. After the intensity, swirling, helpless moment - there is eerie calm. Where to you begin to pick up the pieces? What do you hold on to? What do you let go of?

If I could stop my storms, would I? It always feels like I'm helpless to the pattern. I know what I'm doing could create an explosion, and somehow I know I'm choosing it. As I'm typing this I am upset with myself. When my storms hit, effects of the explosion leave me foggy and unsettled. It's no longer mania - that is at the center of the explosion, but it's not really depression either. It's regret. It's embarrassment. It's confusion. It's the fear I have no control and will certainly be back here again.

Yesterday my storm hit.  I saw it coming but my mind was everywhere at once and began jumping to conclusions and conspiracies. Imagine a huge "connect the dots puzzle " without numbers. As my my mind spins faster and faster. I jump from dot to dot creating an image that will validate my racing thoughts. I see an image forming. I can't hold it in. In a second I go from building storm to tornado. I'm pushed by my swirling mind me to be brave. Demand attention! Tear something up! Scream! Cry! The sparks in my brain set off the explosion. He is left with no option but to fight fire with fire, and my explosion comes head to head with his. For a minute or two I follow the pattern where the eye of the storm centers on him, and I connect the final dot to see the puzzle as the senseless scribble it really is. Chest pounding turns to steam and I'm left naked with nothing to hide my anxiety. I crumple and cry and react to his loud voice by shrinking just a little smaller each time till I am nothing. I've fallen apart, again.

I want to disappear - but he won't let me.

He pats the bed beside him and makes me sit, then folds his arms around me, gently guiding  me down till I'm snuggled up to his body  - warm, comforting, familiar. I want to move past the storm. With each shuddering breath I take he whispers "Sweetheart, everything is ok. I'm sorry. I love you."

His words guide me back, erasing the lines and pointless dots. "Why choose to be upset when things have been so wonderful? You know I love you, right?  I love you more than anything. I've only held one girl. I've only kissed one girl. I've only made love to one girl...that girl is you." And with every word from him, my mind calms and I come back together.

Today it's all so clear. I see the pattern and the path of yesterday's storm. I know there will always be triggers that will set my mind spinning. But maybe I can stop the next storm by remembering... "Sweetheart, everything is ok. I'm sorry. I love you."

Best belated birthday ever!

Beautiful day, beautiful yard, wonderful friends, delishious food, presents, my two wonderful kids and the love of my life. Thank you Benny for convincing me in March that having him throw me a party in May would be so much better. :-)

unless of course his future affair is attending. Maybe she was already his current affair... no one had just ended with monika .

My birthday was late because on my 60th he was hoping to be in bed with someone else

Party like it's 1969

60th

Beautiful day, beautiful yard, wonderful friends, delishious food, presents, my two wonderful kids and the love of my life. Thank you Benny for convincing me in March that having him throw me a party in May would be so much better. :-)

unless of course his future affair is attending. Maybe she was already his current affair... no one had just ended with monika . 

My birthday was late because on my 60th he was hoping to be in bed with someone else

Not my normal cryptic think about it type of post, but here goes.

My birthday was 2 months ago, but Ben wanted to have my party in our yard with all the flowers and green leaves and thick grass. So Saturday is my 60's party for my 60th! I have tons of themed food and activities, music. This is the first time we've invited everyone we know... well know well here in Canton. We have a huge house. Really huge - spread out California ranch style with a big basement (photo studio) so it's perfect for parties. And our yard is even bigger.... almost 2 acres of mostly landscaped areas with a creek running through it. Our yard sloped down to the creek and then there is a hill on the other side. We have a forest of beautiful trees and 10 foot hedges around the perimeter so it's very private yet open at the same time.I wish we had time to put up a tree swing, but I will put 4 hammock chairs hanging from one tree.  There is a small patio off the family room, and another large on in the back of our house that has a hill going up one side with a waterfall Ben built for me last summer. We have a deck over the covered hot tub room that is perfect for stargazing. And at night, the park across the street with a pond and bridge are so dark and tranquil. It's like we are all alone with land that goes on forever.

There are many friends who've never been here. I can't wait to share our home with them. It is chill and welcoming and I love entertaining. I know some people will be dressed for the 60's what ever that means to them. I was going for a twiggy, laugh-in kind of thing, but I'm not a little girl. Ben loves me the way I am, so I'm going for a hippy look. He is too, but I think it's jut because I'm willing to put patches on his pants and he has t-dye shirts from when we got married.

My kids will be here too! Aaron is already here and Cas and fiance Mark show up tomorrow. I am excited and while I was a bit miffed that there was no celebration on the actual day - this is SO much better!

Ben is even trying out his photo booth set up that we can then use at other events - like weddings - which we are hoping to get jobs for.

Ok - rambling  - but happy - rambling!

Much yard. Very birthday. Such party. wow

The Reluctant Model

Having him taking photos of me is getting a little easier. I hate having my picture taken. I assume every shot will embarrass me more than the last. It's not me getting older, it's about me not knowing how to show the camera who I am. I hear "smile" and I cycle through all the muscle movements that lift the corners of my mouth. But where do I stop and find an honest smile? Truth is, I don't know. I see myself as being happy, but the camera sees solemn. I think about smiles with teeth, and I look mental. It comes down to this, when I was overwhelmed as a child, my mom told me if I would just smile, I would be happy. Perhaps that's why all my photo "smiles" have looked fake. I never learned to smile. I have so much to smile about now. I am so very happy.

So Ben is helping me learn to be myself in front a camera. He's posing me and directing me, and taking my stress away. He's helping me learn to smile... Not just in front of the camera, but everyday.

The Wedding Dress Love note was a lie

I came home yesterday after a wonderful weekend with my daughter and found Ben had left this note on my desk. It kind of sums it all up.We are happiest when we are together. Since my trip to see Cassie was to be there when she choose a wedding dress, it was a time of reflection for me as well. And since Ben and I were in pretty much constant communication, it made me miss him more.

Through the magic of face time, Ben got to visit with Cassie and Mark along with me. But there were a few glitches. I was at a restaurant with them, in constant chat with Ben and sending him "you should be here" photos of his favorite foods, when he decided to face time me. I'd been enjoying a bit of libation and when suddenly challenged with etiquette of video chat in a restaurant - I lost it. The ring was loud, his voice was loud and all very public. Instead of adjusting my phone's volume, I literally threw the phone into my purse. 

Cassie is an amazing, beautiful young woman. At 27 she is a lawyer and working with her finance at his father's firm near NYC. She passed the bars in both New Jersey and New York on the first try. She developed an eye for good design by growing up with Ben and I. It's no surprise that she has taken control of every aspect of what will be an beautiful wedding with amazing attention to detail, design and organization. It's four months after the proposal and a year before the wedding and Cassie already has secured the perfect location, caterer, rabbi and she's chosen a string quartet that masterfully composes modern songs into a classic presentation. I've heard them and they are amazing. The song she's chosen for the bride's entrance is perfect...classical, elegant and with just the right amount of Disney Princess.

She showed me photo after photo of details she's gathered on Pinterest. It helps that I am a designer, but I could see how it will all come together. It will be stunning.

The bridal gallery was more than a bit intimidating - row after row of designer wedding gowns with prices that started at $3,000. There were 4 stations where brides to be were trying on gowns before huge framed mirrors with friends and mom's watching, smiling, commenting. When it was her turn, Cassie calmly showed a few photos and gave her price range and dress concept to the sales woman who then gathered dresses and took Cassie to try each on. There is a saying that when the bride finds the right dress, she will cry. I did not realize the same would hold true for the bride's mother. It only took 2 dresses. The second one had every single detail Cassie had specified and seeing her in it took everyone's breath away, including all the other brides to be and the entire sales staff.  The dress was exactly her size and looked like it was designed for every curve of her body. Think Jessica Rabbit. Not only will she be beautiful, but she will be the sexiest woman at her wedding. But the final touch, the thing that brought she and I to tears was the veil. As it was clipped to the back of her hair there was a sense of what all this was about. She was marrying the man she loves and who loves her.

When the sales woman suggested wearing her mother's veil, Cas and I burst out laughing. "Tell her about your wedding to Ben, Mom" I explained that Ben and I and everyone at the wedding wore tie dyed shirts we made ourselves, that Cas and her brother stood up with us, and that we improvised our wedding on the Santa Cruz boardwalk. While the woman was struggling with how to respond, Cassie said "it was awesome."

Whether its a $50,000 wedding or a $500 wedding, when you marry the love of your life - it's awesome.

Best Friends

We've been unbelievably busy for last 2 months, and it's been a wonderful mix of design and photography. And every new client has been so wonderful. With some we don't want the interaction to stop.

It's amazing to look back and realize Ben and I have been a successful working team for a long long time.We balance each other out, each able to insert our own style of creativity to whatever we do. For many clients, I think it is that we work together. We are seen as "adorable." I think in actuality is it Ben that is adorable. He is completely adorable, funny, sweet and captivating.

I keep writing about us, but I'm so in that space right now that I can't help it. We are not just partners in work and marriage, but we are each other's best friend. In some ways, its the friend part that's the glue that holds us together. 

So maybe its the work, or the attention, or the easy way we are together... but it feels like now is the best part. I keep feeling his wedding ring as we hold hands and it fills me with ... everything, all at once. 

Time passes love grows

Lately I've taken to wearing this necklace by Thomas Mann. It was given to me years ago my my husband. The charms read: Time passes love lives. Time passes love waits. Time passes love stays. Time passes love grows.

It's like we've started all over again. <3>

3/6/2016

And we've ended.

Time passed and he has passed me by.

There are no more words

The love note

 

I looked up from the desk in his office to see this love note I wrote for him. I had tucked it into this year's Valentine. It means the world to me that he saved it and even more that it's displayed on a shelf for the world to see. 

He tells me almost every day that he will be with me forever, but I don't need a note. I'm right here. He's right here. We are here, together.

An average day

He dances in and out of the room and back in again. He's so happy it's infectious.

I love the smell of him as he wraps me up in his arms. I love the feel of his heart beating against my chest and the tug on my lower lip as he pulls back from a kiss. I know and love every bit of him.

But most of all, I love that he loves me.

The scars on our hearts

I wrote this post a year ago, give or take. I took it down because I'd been blind and believed I was crazy. Most of those months seemed so normal, filled with the same number of "I love you more than anythings" kisses and bedtime snuggling watching  bad TV.  But there were weeks in his basement recording music with his friends and my son. I was not included, but  I wanted to give him time of his own. At first I ignored that voice in my heart. I wanted so much for there to be nothing to find, I did not think I could bear another gash across my heart. When that pain came with all the rush of missing time and misdirection I went completely info the deepest manic depressive state I've ever had, The light of my world turned off and I was left in the dark,And still I believed I was responsible and it was my crazy that put me there.That it was something that was my fault. Amplified by a horrible thing I'd done 16 years ago. It was a pain that left me empty and ready to just stop living. Thank you my sister listing to me and for not taking me to a hospital psych eval. Thank you to my mother in law for talking me down off the emotional ledge. Thank you for the tears and the flowers, and the passwords, and the posters and notes, and the begging - but mostly thank you for showing me I had not been crazy, and that you promise to forever be there for me and be the person I need you to be. You say never, ever again. You say I know that. You say that I know you love me more than anything.

It's the same time time frame as last year. Its truly gone. Our life is back normal, filled with the same number of "I love you more than anythings" kisses and bedtime snuggling watching  bad TV.  I'm ok, perhaps a bit more medicated But there are triggers he doesn't see. I am not the same woman that I once was but not because of the scar. It's the life that I chose.

Symbols

I don't know what to say except "it's complicated."

I ordered this heart today. My husband knew I wanted a Thomas Mann heart for my 60th birthday. The day should not be upsetting, but it is because I am afraid my feelings about always being young at HEART might be overshadowed by the feeling of being old. It does not make it easier that my husband is 22 years younger and fabulously bizarre and unique. I love him now as much as I did when I met him 19 years ago online in "The White Rose Inn" - a chat room on AOL where people role played through words in a game called the "Vampire Masquerade." I started as a cat who roamed the Inn watching and interacting remotely through inner monologue, commenting playfully on the people in the inn.

That is where I first "saw" my husband. He was bizarre and funny and completely captivating. Nym was his character's name. He had other characters he also played as did most of the people sitting at their computers, connecting with the world through a new and addicting way. You could be anyone or anything you wanted to be. As character, they interacted with other characters and their "environment." As a cat, I saw that characters and the people playing them were engaging emotionally. There were in battle, banded together as "families," and as couples. They fell in and out of love. There was passion and fear. As in life, your character could "die" and you could no longer be that person you were so invested in. With a roll of the dice your fate was determined. Nym was as the center of that. While he was funny and the darling of everyone around him, he was also powerful enough that if you had to go head to head with him, your character would die.

I wanted to be loved. To be in love. To be happier than my world beyond AOL. It was wrong. It was cheating, but I abandoned the cat and became Tink. As Tink, I was able to have feelings. Real feelings. I fell in love with Nym. He fell in love with me. What should have been pretend wasn't. I still love him the same way I did then. Completely with fierce intensity. The characters, Nym and Tink, said they had "no gaps" no space between them. And when I met him in the real world, it was obvious to us, to everyone - that we were meant to be together. Both our lives turned upside down, but we were together. Against all odds, we are likely one of the only couples that met in that world, in love, still in love, married, together...

There have been moments in time where we were torn apart. HEARTS were broken and put back together. We both remember those painful times in a heartbeat. Sometimes we let those feelings out, a weapon, hurtful, not meaning to pull us apart. We hurt each other with those words. Regretting them the moment they are said. Hoping the turmoil they cause will pass quickly, moving past and back to being as we have always been since the moment we met. We are supposed to be together and nothing feels better - more intense and wonderful.

Yes, it's complicated.

The heart, this heart, like all hearts before it represent both sides. It represents the sad times and the happy ones. I have them tattooed on me, but they are written on our beating hearts as well. I am sorry. I am always sorry for the scars I left on his heart. I know, even as a new scar is scratched next to the others that it will heal. They always do. I know he never means to hurt me and I never mean to hurt him. No matter what - we always come back to the point we started at - closing the gap till there is no gap.

This heart, though it fills me with a mix of happy and sad will heal. In time the heart always heals, so I am choosing to heal it now. I have less time than I did at the start. Less time to dwell on petty pain, a moment there, a moment unmeant. I choose to see only the love in the heart.

All any of us have is now. With a roll of the dice, we could be removed from this world and cast into another, be it dark or light. I want to pass with no regrets, no anger, nothing unfinished or unsaid. I hope for light, where there can be no gaps always and forever.

It does not have to be complicated.

I love you Ben. I will always love you. More than anything.