Stuck again

Ridiculous. Stuck again for same reason and 2 new ones. I have a mild case of Shingles and I looked through boxes of photos thrown together of my life, kids, etc.

The boxed were the worst. I know what I've never organized them, or looking at them lovingly. The boxes show a family that I choose to walk away from. My kids went from living with mommy and daddy to living some of the time with me and Ben and some of the time with their dad. I've talked with my kids now that they are adults and am hearing how sad it was for them. They love Ben. They love growing up with Ben. But they will forever wish that mom and dad raised them together. (instead of 2 blocks apart)

I can't write anymore.
I just can't.

Tomorrow

Still Stuck.

Went out into the wet cold and tried to cross country ski. The snow has turned to mush. Not all the way to the grass, skis scrappy the ground much, just thick ick with no glide. I tried to find the tracks of another skier I'd seen a couple days ago, but they got covered by the last wet snow storm.

I fell to one side (normal for me) because I might as well have been wearing snowshoes, except skis like long thin snowshoes. Look to one side, and gravity pulls me down.

Are all these stuck days the same? Are they all my aversion to all things financially related? Do I really need to clean and organize my messy office before my mind can wrap around numbers? Do I really have to remove the top page of the list to make a new clean list? And if I spell something wrong do I really need to remove the page and start over? Does everything on my desk need to be symmetrical or at least balanced? Is this OCD anxiety?

So today is a stuck day with anxiety and a long list of self driven shoulds and must dos. Valium my friend, please help me drop my shoulders, release the muscles in my neck. Valium, let me choose to take a needed shower without negotiating other things I need to to do to EARN a shower.

Showers are another sticking point for me. I can get in my hot tub and soak even on a stuck day. But showers seem to take so much time away from my lists and my day time. But there is no way I can shower at night. I don't mind being wet. I mind staying wet. My wet wet hair will take forever to dry on it's own and will leave me shivering for hours. With my hair wet, how will I go and to the list items that are not home? (hint: none of those items really have to be done) I could dry my hair with my hair dryer but that takes me back to the time it will take out of my day time. I know it makes no sense. Here I sit, using up my daytime writing this post.

The List.

[   ]  Clean and organize office

OCD Brain: There is too much to do! It' won't get done! If we start we have to finish all of it! Can't organize without cleaning first. Can't clean without organizing the clutter. Important papers are mixed randomly into all piles. Piles are all around on different surfaces and shelves. One sits in front of my keyboard under the monitor staring at me. I know most of that pile is crap, but ODC says "if you do this when you are stressed, you will loose something important!"

[   ]  File items that need to be saved - set up files for 2015

OCD Brain. Oh right. Does this come before or after Clean and Organize? There is too much junk in the files that are in 8 random drawers. You need to get THOSE cleaned out first! make sure this years files are clean and organized. ODC says "if you do this when you are stressed, you will loose something important!"

[  ]  Gather all materials for income 2014 income tax

OCD Brain. You CAN"T do this without the first two! And those will take forever! ODC says "if you do this when you are stressed, you will loose something important!" Or naje a huge mistake.

[   ] Everything else

Anything on this sublist is usually done before the top 3 because there is less stree in say.. washing the clothes but then pilling them onto the bed. No stress then, but later tonight it will, I could list the list, but there is no point because it never ends. Clothes always need cleaning, 

What to do right now.

1. Stop typing,

Description of a stuck day

Knowing I need to gather all the tax info for our business (daunting task) and for my mom and for our trust fund has me running in the other direction. I know, if I just DO it I will feel AMAZING. But I don't. I find other things to fill my mind - other projects that could be put off. I make mistakes and gain a bit more anxiety with each one.

On a Stuck Day, I have no one to blame, so it's obvious that I am here on my own power. I'm not reacting inappropriately to teasing, or tearing my hair out for things on my list I haven't done, Instead I move them from today's list (from weeks of today) to tomorrow's list. But it reminds me of what I am doing to myself. It's a hole. I'm in it about up to my chest and there's pressure there. I am breathing to shallow. Need to relax...

I woke up from dreams where I knew what today would be. I did my best to move through with purpose and calm, but it only made the day smaller somehow.

A Stuck Day is one where I am surrounded by jello. I can only move a little and can't get out at all. There is no swimming to the top. No one can reach in and pull me out. My mind does not race like manic days, but a part of it wants to kick manic in the butt to get me out of here.

I see things I would enjoy doing and I avoid them.

I fear communicating because maybe I'll tip my hand and will forever be seen as a flake.

There is nothing left to do but zone out.

Leave the planet.

Wrap myself up in a blanket of thick soft nothing and when the day is done, go to bed and say how tomorrow will be better. I will be energetic and happy and able to breeze through all the detail stuff.

Tomorrow.