This story is your me.
You forgave his affairs once you caught him, and you always caught him.
You forgave him because before he broke your trust, he loved you "more than anything" and your life together was wonderful. Married to your best friend, though you can't speak for him.He had a life with you where he could do what he wanted and get what he wanted to created himself into a charming and enticing person.You bought the food and cooked and cleaned and took the cars in when they needed anything. You ave up your dreams to travel around the east coast with him and to travel to visit your friends. If there was anything he said he wanted, you made sure he got it.
You thought if you did all that, and kept him happy, he would not cheat on you again. He would realize that you, his soul mate was to be nurtured and cared for as you did for him. But every few yearsr - his behavior toward you would change. But his explanations did not end your feelings that is was happening again. The lies got bigger. He insisted you were wrong and looking for something to accuse him of that wasn't there.. But there was. There always was. He would stay up late while you slept, cell phone in his hand always texting. When you questioned him, there was always someone he could say who needed his help, or he texts all the time with lots of people, but worry drove you crazy.You came to believe that it was your making up problems and you doubled your efforts to show you cared. You made his favorite snacks so he would always have them. You cooked his favorite meals.What ever he wanted.you made sure he got them..You did all this even through you were bleeding money and the only way you had to stop the bleeding was to stuff the hole with money from your trust. And then that wasn't enough you took money from the house and prayed every month that this would the month the money would turn everything around
But there were all his reasons for why there was never enough money The stress you could not hide created the distance between you. And in that distance, he could indulge his addiction for someone who could give him the stress less, lustful sexuality and emotional attachment he craved. And like a a.magician he created a hidden life outside of your life, He called you a snoop, He said you were wrong, but you knew. Inside you knew that he what doing it again. and though the half-truths, anger and accusations - the truth always comes out.
Put this time was different. The other times you accepted his affairs, you forgave him when he said it would never happen again..You would bask in the loving attention he gave you. The sweetness of his heartfelt apologies and loving embrace took the pain away. He had changed for you and the high was undeniable. But not this time.
When the truth came out, it was visual, and the pain that shot through your heart left you feeling you would die.But even in the overwhelming grief you still wanted some excuse that for what you'd seen. In the past he'd convinced you of the things you'd done that in some way justified his betrayal. He would want to destroy the evidence. Without that solid proof, maybe things could go back to the times when you would forgive hin. He thought enough time would pass and the images you saw would fade until life was back to normal. All forgiven, forgotten.But this time there was no mistaking what yo u saw, It was the biggest and most obvious breach of trust. He did it. He liked it.Maybe he liked hiding it from you or at least thought you would not catch him even through you've always caught him. Or maybe he wanted to be caught.
When you look back, each time he broke your hart and shattered your trust. He he put you through emotional hell not knowing,how to feel. Or what to do. Because after the smoke would clear hes you to me to let him come to bed and hold you would let him. Because each time you believed it would never happen again.He would get on his knees with tears in his eyes begging for forgiveness. He would admit to everything and open his world to you to prove how much he cared. And you would take him back believing because you had to believe.
This time he seemed to smile as you cried about you'd seen. Did you see him cry? Did he get on his knees and beg you to forgive him? Yes he said he was sorry he'd lied and made you think you were crazy, but instead of staying with you to work things our - he least for the date he'd planned with her. You cried and called everyone who could support your emotions and they all said enough. You have to be strong. You can't keep putting yourself through this hell. His pattern will never change unles he can understand why he does it and wants to stop it.
You say he can stay if he gets help, What you mean is you would take him back if he changed.. But deep in your heart you know no one changes unless they want too. You want him back so much your heart beats faster when he's close to you. When he holds you, you melt. You want to believe that this time somehow - it will be different. And just like that, you enable him again
He left alone to think
You took everything of his and moved to other rooms. But you see it all, everyday on you way to you room. He's still here. A with all the people in my life who I trust to help me, I know THIS time I have to listen to them. I know that he was not crying when I found out. IN someways he was smiling. And when he left to their date, he was not crying. I don't think I've seen him cry and I think I know why. Why would I really leave him now when it is me that allows this pattern to go on and on. Because he knows I will give in. He knows I will take him back warts and all while my family begs me not to. And when I do, I will loose the respect of my family and of myself for not stopping the cycle once and for all.
It's been 2 days and yet I've let him sleep in my bed rather than be lonely. I have his familiar warmth against my back. There is no sex. There has been no sex for 9 months. So this feels like it's felt for all those months. I've made him food. I've held him when he needs it. Yes, he's held me too. But his lack of tears tells me he is not going to give up Joy, he will hold on to me until he can be on his own, and he will allow me to enable this because I always do, always have.
I find myself following him around the house still asking auestions, but mostly wanting to hear he loves me more than anything and that if he could he'd stay with me, the love of his life. That he loves me more. That he won't see her anymore. That he will get therapy and find the reason behindd his actions and if he can learn and change. And if he does I won't be the one who benefits from it. I'll be one he evaluates to get to where he should be. And all the hurt and pain he;s caused me will be nothing more than an "I'm sorry" as he moves on to someone new.
I am conflicted. I want to go back to bed and snuggle my husband because he still is my husband. We have to live in this house till we can figure out how to separate. He has someone to help him through this who will laugh and kiss and hold him when he's away from me. And I have him, the part of me he still gives to me. I have the sorry notes and the unhappy smiles - but really Im alone. I have my kids on chat24/7 and my therapist on chat and my sister on chat. Once I know I am free (will i ever be?) I can bring my other friends into the circle.... Lisa is right on the edge, and I know Patty and Laurel in Sf would be all in. (they tried to get me to leave him after the 3rd time. I told almost no one about the 4th....
I want to stay with him.
But only if he gets therapy
And then I will be seen as his enabler and I will need to be out of his life for his needs
And here I am crying again.
Because I spent so long in pain, and worry, and thinking it was always my fault he did this.
And it really IS my fault that I did not insist he stay in therapy after the 3rd one. Instead I worked on the things that made him feel less than a man and gave him al the power....
He's in my bed.
I should kick him out NOW
I should tell him to leave to his "party" in Mansfield with is Friends - who he says he will be doing photography stuff with after and not tell JOHN. Because I now where he'll reall be going. He will pick up up somewhere and maybe they'll use the empty vet clinic to fuck on the couch (Hell I did that with the best man at my sisters weeding... but I was not married//// and I was not hiding. And in no way did I call it love. It was lust. I just wanted to fuck him. Period. But him seeing her is why he had no tears for me. He isn't sad because he thinks I'll get past this and he can have both. He sees my tears but his sorry is for being found out. Maybe there is a real emotion that shows EXACTLY what he's put/putting me through and holds me to help me.
Conflicted
If he gets help, would be be together... not just work partners which we HAVE to be, but lovers again. Married with our dogs and another house - starting over.... But that will not happen unless I cave.
I have to be strong and get past my fear of being alone. I can have friends. I can do things I never had the chance to do with him. He held be back, down, his rules. But hey Deb, you know I love you more than anything" and I know he probably says that to her too.... he did to the others.
Help me
Help me know the things I can't change
And the things I can change
And the courage to know the difference.
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