Trust is built when words match actions over time

And it the actions change...What happens to the trust. Does it slip away a bit at a time? What happens when the words change or maybe they are just the same words said before that trust was broken before.

We started over. It was different from the other times, because this time you brought your apology from an honest and raw place. You changed. You admitted to everything.You said I could ask anything and you would answer me. And from that moment I accepted your words.There were things I needed to know and to hear, but I did not look for reasons to distrust you. I did not obsess. I held your words close over years and they grew till I trusted completely.

Words matched actions, until they didn't. The actions changed. All at once. I was told that there would be change and to accept it. That you were changing and people said it was good for you. What people? I thought I was your people. I've always wanted for you to grow and be able to do more than you were able to before. But this was different. I was told I had to get used to this new you. The new you made plans without me and did things we'd always done together without me. I doubted myself.  The more I worried you were putting me to one side, the more I looked for reasons. Was it going to happen again? And like that, the trust was gone, replaced with fear and the feeling I must be crazy. Crazy not to trust. Crazy and bringing it all on myself.

Fear and sadness. Worry and guilt. Confusion and frustration. Wanting to trust. Distrusting. So many times I've taken what was given and accepted. So many that I can't just let it all go and I'm once again pulled into a whirling mess of emotion. Wondering. Am I crazy?

I was told I'm not crazy. I've never been crazy.
I was told that while listening to my fears was OK, acting on them is not.
I was told to ask for what I need to make the fear and sadness and worry and guilt and confusion and frustration and distrust.
I was told to talk with you and let you know what was happening with me, why I was asking all the questions and obsessed with worry that you'd found a new love.
I was stop accusing you. To stop guessing. To face what was happening to me as what it really is. Actions changed and I was reminded of other actions another time and it hurt all over again. I was unable to separate then and now. It was not healthy for me. I needed help to stop.
I was told if you loved me, you'd understand what I needed to feel safe again.
I was told I needed to be given all the tools to trust. Transparency and honesty.
I was told that it would be given lovingly.
I was told there would be no push back or blame or intimidation or anger.
But there was. It hurts so much..."getting.snooped" Thats what you gave me for transparency. Passive aggressive bullshit. It does not make me feel you understand. It makes me feel even more unhappy and worried. It's like you are wanting to get even. I hurt you. You hurt me.

Maybe you think I'm bringing all this up to make you hurt for things you did in the past. I'm not wanting to hurt you by bringing things up, I forgave you,  the wounded woman who took you back over and over will never forget. It's a part of me, of us. It just is. I thought I would never be worried about us or you ever again. I thought I'd moved past that. I had moved past that.

Maybe you think I'm just a snoop who wants to control you. I don't want to snoop on you, I want to know there is nothing to find. I don't want to control you, I want you to help me control my fear and worry that it could happen. I need your help, not your anger. I'm in a dark place. If there is no reason for me to be here, reach out and help me. I need you to help me.

Trust is built when words match actions over time.
I no longer trust you.
You happiness does not match my sadness.
This has happened before
I think I am doomed to have this happen again.

And it did.
It was less than 24 hours when I found proof that absolved me from being crazy or unnecessarily snoopy. It was clear, I am doomed bcecause this time had to be the last time or I will be hust over and over.

Trust is gone.

The photos I found, of you and her were ones you so professionally set up and shot. A door from my living room in the shot, You and your undeniable tattoos back to the camera while you left nothing to the imagination. When ever I let even a bit of "maybe if", I look at that photo. The others don't have the same power that one has. You have no remorse, no guilt. It was a want and you gave it to yourself without thought to the consequence, or maybe you knew it would finally set you free from me. But your freedom came with a stiff price. Your children, my family, my friends and even some of yours who will never speak to you again. And you feel that they are the ones being unreasonable, as if what you did to me was somehow justified. I've been so accommodating, why would they hate you. The hate comes from the all the other times, like this one. And I know, you won't be able to stop. It will happen with her, sooner than you think, someone will shower you with more attention than she is and you will swept up into a new game of hide and seek. You are very good at that game. But I hope you don't do that to her. It's isn't her, its for you. If you could figure out the "why" you could control the "why not"

This post is my real life and I won't leave it up forever. You would be oh so very angry that I put into words what you feel is "our business and no own needs to know"   Well that would make it OK for you to have moved on since I seem so ok with hiding it for you. But for the first time in 20 years I the affect of your anger does not humble me. It reminds me of why this is the right thing for me.

Yes... Trust is gone, love is gone, our life is gone, your children are gone, you will never be the cool Grandfather. You will never be the funny uncle at the Thanksgiving table. You will have to learn to live on your own. What it means to have no one helping you remember. Soon this house will be gone.

I look forward to my new home, what every that will be. I look forward to the new friendships I will have once I can have them come to my home. I will be lonely, but I've been lonely for years. Lonely now will only help me go out into the world and take chances and see what and who is out there waiting for me to find it.

I am a rose bud slowed to open by the cold , but I will bloom. And I will be beautiful.

Justifiable

You are a mess. 

It's over but you can't let go. 

The same insecurities and self doubt that lead you sleep with him  - also filled you with guilt. You had to believe you were in love, You were the one who could change him - one he could not live without. You felt alive, sexy, desired, impulsive. The progression from flirtation to sex was easy once you had justified being in love.

It's over.

It changed nothing in his life.

You'd shared yourself intimately with him in ways you had stopped sharing with your partner. You imagined a future with him. You had to believe that or the angst would wash over you like ice water. You had to believe it was love or that ache your heart where you knew it was wrong would swallow you whole.

You said I love you and he said it back because he was not ready to stop fucking you. You gave your body to him time and again, but did not know he was in control until he grew tired of you and moved on. You saw him, intimate with another girl and it brought you to your knees. The longer he ignored you, the more obsessed you became, You had lied and manipulated your partner into believing there was nothing going on and now you could not share your pain with the one person who knew you best.

It changed nothing in his life.

But not in your dreams.

He is with you again. He is sorry for how much he hurt you, He pulls you into his arms and whispers that he never stopped loving you. The curtain of guilt rises and you leave everything and everyone to be with him.

The curtain falls.
You wake up