Escaping the well

It's been one year to the day that I found the courage to end a toxic relationship. I'd lost all sense of self and given in to the demands and terrorizing rants of a man I was living with. I had just gotten back home after being in the ER with bronchitis and pneumonia. I had lost my voice weeks before. My situation with him had made me physically ill.

It's also been a year of self discovery, learning to love myself through therapy - codependents anonymous - my art - and the book "The Secret." Looking back on that night, I see it with a new found clarity. It was a defining moment in my life that I could not be where I am now without. For that I am grateful. I may never be able to fully embrace any gratitude for him but I'm finally free of the anger of my past and fear of my future.

I have been leading my CODA meetings for four months. I adore doing service in this way. It suits me and gives me the opportunity to share my recovery story with others who struggle as I did. There are two women who my heart goes out to. Their stories and fear of the men they are with are not that different from my own. Hearing them reminds me of just how hard it is to break free. The fear of retribution and facing the world alone held me back. All relationships are different, but I was lucky. In that moment - he morned. It turned to anger in the following months, but by then I'd detached from him and was able to keep my boundaries of no contact.

I doubt it's a coincidence that I got a request to connect via Linked from him today. I'm sure he remembers the date. Throughout the year he tried many times to force interaction with me. Texts, emails, letters - all ignoring my initial request for no contact- rattled me. My reaction was different today. I was calm as I simply denied the request. He may forever driven to be in control of the people around him, but he no longer has any hold on me.

My story started again that night. Seems that’s my pattern, starting over in the middle.

I was terrified of facing myself without a human safety net. Like an addict, detox was a bitch. I had become an emotional vampire. I overwhelmed those around me. My fix was the concern I heard in their voices. I did not realize that they were only saying words to appease me. My life had become completely unmanageable. I was crazy. I was selfish. I was in agony. Of course no one could help me. I could not do what they suggested. Their frustration led them to independently tell me they could not longer talk to me. My son, daughter and sister.  The emotional pain left me wondering if life was worth it. I had hit rock bottom. I was deep in a well where the sides were slippery. I could see the round patch of light above me but I had no way to get out. I cried a lot in those first months. I was so lonely.  Slowly I began to "figure it out." People could see I was changing.  My sister reached out to me and gave me encouragement as did my friend, Lisa.  I rebuilt a relationship with my daughter, but there was still no rescue from the well.

Last week I had a revelation. I had finally reached the second step. I had let go and let god. The god of my understanding I call the "Universe." I had accepted that some power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Over the course of the year, I could not climb out of the well, but through my intent and visualization of being free, the Universe lifted the ground up beneath me. Now I stand on solid ground in the sun.

Free of the anger of the past. Free of the fear of the future.

Breathe. Be present. Be calm. Be peaceful. Reflect. Meditate. Be grateful, Be aware. Be kind. Be happy. Share. Love. Be clear in your intentions.

I'm finally in a place where I truly believe I can have what my heart desires. It is a matter of placing orders for the Universe to fill. Thoughts become things. I have asked that I be reminded to "be" all those things I've learned. To live a life without a well.

I had a visualization board for part of the year. Many of the things on my board did manifest but without clear intent, they were incomplete and in one case, disturbing,  I am grateful that they did manifest. It showed me that visualization truly works. I was going to start a new board last week but I had a dream. In it, the teacher who's currently leading my class in guided meditation was talking about visualization. She handed me little note cards and said I was write what I wanted from the Universe - one card per "order" for the Universe to fill and then mail them to myself.  The next morning I bought notecards with the intention of doing just that.

They sat for a week. I did not know what I really wanted or how to say it. I knew I had to be specific after the prior mixed manifestations. I was drawing Valentines cards with flowers and hearts and rainbows for my best friend and my daughter when suddenly I knew exactly want I wanted from Universe. I got out my notecards and wrote out my "orders" in the same way I'd drawn the Valentines... with little flowers and hearts around playful, but clear words of intent.  That afternoon I mailed eleven cards to myself. Each one a clear message of hope and expectation. Each one a Valentine. Each one an order sent out and each one will come back from the addressee, the Universe, as a confirmation that my request has been received and for me to expect delivery. Now all I have to do is act "as if." As if I already have all eleven of those wishes. I know they are already mine. I did not tell the Universe how to manifest them. That is not in my control. I know the Universe will move people, places and things so that my requests will be filled. My job is to hold those thoughts in my mind, to see them clearly and often. To fill myself with them.  I expect my Valentines from the Universe to arrive on Valentines day.  When I receive them I will tie them up with a ribbon. I will not open them, but at times look at the back of the envelopes where amid more hearts and flowers I summed up each request with a word or two as a reminder of the intent of each visualization. I will open the cards when I my orders are filled, send a thank you card back to the Universe and follow it with a 5 star review online.

One of those notes was to find ways to share myself. Today bought 6 more packs of notecards. I intend to share my dream and the Valentine cards from the Universe with my guided meditation class. I will give the teacher (who was in my dream) and each of the people in the class a set of cards and suggest they send their own desires into the Universe. I will send out my own signal that their requests will be answered. A relay signal. An amplifier. Ah OH.

Hey, Universe, thank you for today!

You biggest fan, D