I wrote this post a year ago, give or take. I took it down because I'd been blind and believed I was crazy. Most of those months seemed so normal, filled with the same number of "I love you more than anythings" kisses and bedtime snuggling watching bad TV. But there were weeks in his basement recording music with his friends and my son. I was not included, but I wanted to give him time of his own. At first I ignored that voice in my heart. I wanted so much for there to be nothing to find, I did not think I could bear another gash across my heart. When that pain came with all the rush of missing time and misdirection I went completely info the deepest manic depressive state I've ever had, The light of my world turned off and I was left in the dark,And still I believed I was responsible and it was my crazy that put me there.That it was something that was my fault. Amplified by a horrible thing I'd done 16 years ago. It was a pain that left me empty and ready to just stop living. Thank you my sister listing to me and for not taking me to a hospital psych eval. Thank you to my mother in law for talking me down off the emotional ledge. Thank you for the tears and the flowers, and the passwords, and the posters and notes, and the begging - but mostly thank you for showing me I had not been crazy, and that you promise to forever be there for me and be the person I need you to be. You say never, ever again. You say I know that. You say that I know you love me more than anything.
It's the same time time frame as last year. Its truly gone. Our life is back normal, filled with the same number of "I love you more than anythings" kisses and bedtime snuggling watching bad TV. I'm ok, perhaps a bit more medicated But there are triggers he doesn't see. I am not the same woman that I once was but not because of the scar. It's the life that I chose.
Symbols
I ordered this heart today. My husband knew I wanted a Thomas Mann heart for my 60th birthday. The day should not be upsetting, but it is because I am afraid my feelings about always being young at HEART might be overshadowed by the feeling of being old. It does not make it easier that my husband is 22 years younger and fabulously bizarre and unique. I love him now as much as I did when I met him 19 years ago online in "The White Rose Inn" - a chat room on AOL where people role played through words in a game called the "Vampire Masquerade." I started as a cat who roamed the Inn watching and interacting remotely through inner monologue, commenting playfully on the people in the inn.
That is where I first "saw" my husband. He was bizarre and funny and completely captivating. Nym was his character's name. He had other characters he also played as did most of the people sitting at their computers, connecting with the world through a new and addicting way. You could be anyone or anything you wanted to be. As character, they interacted with other characters and their "environment." As a cat, I saw that characters and the people playing them were engaging emotionally. There were in battle, banded together as "families," and as couples. They fell in and out of love. There was passion and fear. As in life, your character could "die" and you could no longer be that person you were so invested in. With a roll of the dice your fate was determined. Nym was as the center of that. While he was funny and the darling of everyone around him, he was also powerful enough that if you had to go head to head with him, your character would die.
I wanted to be loved. To be in love. To be happier than my world beyond AOL. It was wrong. It was cheating, but I abandoned the cat and became Tink. As Tink, I was able to have feelings. Real feelings. I fell in love with Nym. He fell in love with me. What should have been pretend wasn't. I still love him the same way I did then. Completely with fierce intensity. The characters, Nym and Tink, said they had "no gaps" no space between them. And when I met him in the real world, it was obvious to us, to everyone - that we were meant to be together. Both our lives turned upside down, but we were together. Against all odds, we are likely one of the only couples that met in that world, in love, still in love, married, together...
There have been moments in time where we were torn apart. HEARTS were broken and put back together. We both remember those painful times in a heartbeat. Sometimes we let those feelings out, a weapon, hurtful, not meaning to pull us apart. We hurt each other with those words. Regretting them the moment they are said. Hoping the turmoil they cause will pass quickly, moving past and back to being as we have always been since the moment we met. We are supposed to be together and nothing feels better - more intense and wonderful.
Yes, it's complicated.
The heart, this heart, like all hearts before it represent both sides. It represents the sad times and the happy ones. I have them tattooed on me, but they are written on our beating hearts as well. I am sorry. I am always sorry for the scars I left on his heart. I know, even as a new scar is scratched next to the others that it will heal. They always do. I know he never means to hurt me and I never mean to hurt him. No matter what - we always come back to the point we started at - closing the gap till there is no gap.
This heart, though it fills me with a mix of happy and sad will heal. In time the heart always heals, so I am choosing to heal it now. I have less time than I did at the start. Less time to dwell on petty pain, a moment there, a moment unmeant. I choose to see only the love in the heart.
All any of us have is now. With a roll of the dice, we could be removed from this world and cast into another, be it dark or light. I want to pass with no regrets, no anger, nothing unfinished or unsaid. I hope for light, where there can be no gaps always and forever.
It does not have to be complicated.
I love you Ben. I will always love you. More than anything.
