Signs of mental illness

I've been talking a  lot to Ben and my kids about what it was like growing up with my untreated Bi Polar. Much like my last post, I would focus on something and it would bounce around in my head until I exploded. Not knowing how to interact with me, they either got out of my way, or tried to reason with me. Typically I was unreasonable, and any of them could end up the focus of my frustration.  Who could help a manic mess who's screaming about how no one cleans the floors, etc. They didn't have a diagnosis to explain my bizarre and unexpected behaviors, but they could see that there were moments before a total melt down where there were 2 things I needed that might calm me if I could verbalize them and then receive them.

Cas and Aaron talked about making 2 signs. The first one "I need help." and the second "I need a hug." Simple, but very true. When my mania had not yet taken hold of my mind and was driving it to do and think crazy things, all I really needed was for someone to understand my unsettled mind. Before meltdown, I craved  human contact with the ones I love. If I'd had signs, I would have words for what I was needing. Even in the midst of a breakdown, I could use the signs to let my loved ones know it was not them I was upset with, but myself.

I think it's time I made these signs.

Eye of the storm

It's like a storm.

A storm blows this way and that - in an almost mindless way as it moves across the land. We are warned, there could be lightning, or tornadoes. There could be arctic cold or blistering heat. The winds could be strong enough to pick up your house and everything in it. After the intensity, swirling, helpless moment - there is eerie calm. Where to you begin to pick up the pieces? What do you hold on to? What do you let go of?

If I could stop my storms, would I? It always feels like I'm helpless to the pattern. I know what I'm doing could create an explosion, and somehow I know I'm choosing it. As I'm typing this I am upset with myself. When my storms hit, effects of the explosion leave me foggy and unsettled. It's no longer mania - that is at the center of the explosion, but it's not really depression either. It's regret. It's embarrassment. It's confusion. It's the fear I have no control and will certainly be back here again.

Yesterday my storm hit.  I saw it coming but my mind was everywhere at once and began jumping to conclusions and conspiracies. Imagine a huge "connect the dots puzzle " without numbers. As my my mind spins faster and faster. I jump from dot to dot creating an image that will validate my racing thoughts. I see an image forming. I can't hold it in. In a second I go from building storm to tornado. I'm pushed by my swirling mind me to be brave. Demand attention! Tear something up! Scream! Cry! The sparks in my brain set off the explosion. He is left with no option but to fight fire with fire, and my explosion comes head to head with his. For a minute or two I follow the pattern where the eye of the storm centers on him, and I connect the final dot to see the puzzle as the senseless scribble it really is. Chest pounding turns to steam and I'm left naked with nothing to hide my anxiety. I crumple and cry and react to his loud voice by shrinking just a little smaller each time till I am nothing. I've fallen apart, again.

I want to disappear - but he won't let me.

He pats the bed beside him and makes me sit, then folds his arms around me, gently guiding  me down till I'm snuggled up to his body  - warm, comforting, familiar. I want to move past the storm. With each shuddering breath I take he whispers "Sweetheart, everything is ok. I'm sorry. I love you."

His words guide me back, erasing the lines and pointless dots. "Why choose to be upset when things have been so wonderful? You know I love you, right?  I love you more than anything. I've only held one girl. I've only kissed one girl. I've only made love to one girl...that girl is you." And with every word from him, my mind calms and I come back together.

Today it's all so clear. I see the pattern and the path of yesterday's storm. I know there will always be triggers that will set my mind spinning. But maybe I can stop the next storm by remembering... "Sweetheart, everything is ok. I'm sorry. I love you."

Best belated birthday ever!

Beautiful day, beautiful yard, wonderful friends, delishious food, presents, my two wonderful kids and the love of my life. Thank you Benny for convincing me in March that having him throw me a party in May would be so much better. :-)

unless of course his future affair is attending. Maybe she was already his current affair... no one had just ended with monika .

My birthday was late because on my 60th he was hoping to be in bed with someone else

Party like it's 1969

60th

Beautiful day, beautiful yard, wonderful friends, delishious food, presents, my two wonderful kids and the love of my life. Thank you Benny for convincing me in March that having him throw me a party in May would be so much better. :-)

unless of course his future affair is attending. Maybe she was already his current affair... no one had just ended with monika . 

My birthday was late because on my 60th he was hoping to be in bed with someone else

Not my normal cryptic think about it type of post, but here goes.

My birthday was 2 months ago, but Ben wanted to have my party in our yard with all the flowers and green leaves and thick grass. So Saturday is my 60's party for my 60th! I have tons of themed food and activities, music. This is the first time we've invited everyone we know... well know well here in Canton. We have a huge house. Really huge - spread out California ranch style with a big basement (photo studio) so it's perfect for parties. And our yard is even bigger.... almost 2 acres of mostly landscaped areas with a creek running through it. Our yard sloped down to the creek and then there is a hill on the other side. We have a forest of beautiful trees and 10 foot hedges around the perimeter so it's very private yet open at the same time.I wish we had time to put up a tree swing, but I will put 4 hammock chairs hanging from one tree.  There is a small patio off the family room, and another large on in the back of our house that has a hill going up one side with a waterfall Ben built for me last summer. We have a deck over the covered hot tub room that is perfect for stargazing. And at night, the park across the street with a pond and bridge are so dark and tranquil. It's like we are all alone with land that goes on forever.

There are many friends who've never been here. I can't wait to share our home with them. It is chill and welcoming and I love entertaining. I know some people will be dressed for the 60's what ever that means to them. I was going for a twiggy, laugh-in kind of thing, but I'm not a little girl. Ben loves me the way I am, so I'm going for a hippy look. He is too, but I think it's jut because I'm willing to put patches on his pants and he has t-dye shirts from when we got married.

My kids will be here too! Aaron is already here and Cas and fiance Mark show up tomorrow. I am excited and while I was a bit miffed that there was no celebration on the actual day - this is SO much better!

Ben is even trying out his photo booth set up that we can then use at other events - like weddings - which we are hoping to get jobs for.

Ok - rambling  - but happy - rambling!

Much yard. Very birthday. Such party. wow

The Reluctant Model

Having him taking photos of me is getting a little easier. I hate having my picture taken. I assume every shot will embarrass me more than the last. It's not me getting older, it's about me not knowing how to show the camera who I am. I hear "smile" and I cycle through all the muscle movements that lift the corners of my mouth. But where do I stop and find an honest smile? Truth is, I don't know. I see myself as being happy, but the camera sees solemn. I think about smiles with teeth, and I look mental. It comes down to this, when I was overwhelmed as a child, my mom told me if I would just smile, I would be happy. Perhaps that's why all my photo "smiles" have looked fake. I never learned to smile. I have so much to smile about now. I am so very happy.

So Ben is helping me learn to be myself in front a camera. He's posing me and directing me, and taking my stress away. He's helping me learn to smile... Not just in front of the camera, but everyday.