Unbearable

For the record, it wasn't the bear I wanted, but the chance to be on that stage getting the bear. It didn't even look like a real bear with it's pink chest and face, but it was big. As I watched the other kids around the bleachers screaming with joy and racing down to the stage to collect their prizes I could not think past my own need to be a winner.

The winning coupons were hidden in the chocolate bars. Kids rich enough to get the candy got the chance to win a big prize. Grandma had bought us both a bar. I ripped mine open to instant disappointment. She was helping you open yours, but it was me that saw the ticket peaking out. Obsessed, I grabbed the ticket and bolted for the stage. I could hear your surprise and screams behind me but they were drowned out by the crowd cheering for all the winning kids collecting their big pink and black bears. I was a perfect angel as a clown handed me my prize. I was beaming. I was a winner. But it did not feel like I'd imagined it would. The moment my arms were around the bear and I was headed back up into the stands the guilt hit. I had cheated. I was a cheater.

To deal with my guilt, I had a story by the time I got up to our seats. I had gone to get the bear for you. I had done this favor for you because I was your big sister. I was too old for bears. You were too little to go down to the stage. The clowns would have scared you. My words did nothing to stop your tears. You wrapped your arms around the bear but it was not a comfort to either of us. Grandma was glaring at me. Everyone was glaring at me. Cheater. Thief. Bad girl.

You kept that bear on your bed.
Maybe you even forgot the day you got it, but I never did.

Sorry.