Be happy

I used to say you were crazy, that you were verbally abusive, that you hated sex, that you treated me like your slave, that you threatened me with a steak knife.

It made it easier to accept what I put you through. I realize the ending was abrupt for you, but once I realized I could end our marriage, I was on-board.

You must see it now - we were too young. On my end, I was in love with the idea of being in love. When we were in High School I loved being your girlfriend. I loved hanging out with you listening to music. I loved going on ski trips with you and driving trips to Kansas and laughing together about how funny all our relatives were. I did not know what being in love meant. I knew the cheerleaders all had crushes on you.

I wanted to get married because we'd had sex. My mother had told me only engaged couples should have sex. You had free will. You could have said no. It was obvious when we walked back down the aisle and you were crying that you were having second thoughts.

We were married for less than 2 years. I don't remember us being "happily" married for any of it. So here I am, 34 years later telling you - sorry. Sorry for making you miserable. Sorry for how horrible I was at the end. Sorry for being unfaithful and hurtful. Sorry for making you feel you needed to take all our money and the car and my motorcycle. Sorry for making you feel so angry that you called my father in an attempt to get him to commit me. Sorry for being such a horrid person that your family erased me from their lives. Sorry it took years for you to let go and move on. I'm sorry I spent most of my 20's looking over my shoulder and expecting you to be following me.

If you are reading this - be happy I left.