Heart and soul

Sometime at the start of Junior High, we became friends.

Thrown together by a love of music, Jewish fathers, Presbyterian Sunday school - we were a team. You were the accompanist for the choir. I sang lead soprano. We both played flute in the school band. You were the only kid I knew with a piano in her room. I had always wanted to play piano, but even in my wildest dreams I would never would have equaled your talent. It was like music just gushed from your fingers through the keys and filled the room. You humored me - letting me play the easy part of piano duets.

Years we spent - you on the keyboard and me singing. All our spending money went toward sheet music. We performed at church, at Lion's Club meetings, at Rotary Club meetings. If there was a meeting that needed entertainment - we were there.

Boys came and went, but you were a constant. My love for you was fierce. We shared our teens together.

When I began dating the guy I later married, you did not approve. Perhaps it was the hormones - mine seemed to bloom before yours. What was driving me was not yet driving you. That afternoon, in your family's basement we were sitting on the couch talking when I saw the fear in your eyes. You thought you were losing me to him. And in that moment I wanted to do something to show how I felt about you. I wanted to kiss you.

My body was on auto-pilot. My face was aready leaning towards your's when I stopped myself. This was a side of me I'd never shared. What if you did not like me? What if you did? In that moment I knew things would never be the same for us. Instead of kissing you, I took a deep breath and told you I wanted to kiss you.

The phrase "bum's rush" comes to mind when I remember how quickly you got me to leave. We never talked about it. Which meant I never got to deal with the pain I felt. I was more like you than anyone in my world, now I was like no one. And worse, I disgusted you. We continued performing together. We were still in every music and drama group. But the distance that afternoon created only grew larger. And my life continued on it's chaotic path.

I locked that part of me away for a long time.