Non Guest

My nightmares changed about a year ago. I am no longer chased by unseen demons. I am now dreaming I am losing my mind.

The dreams start off as an adventure. I travel to one city or another. I have an agenda and people I plan on seeing. I marvel at the busy streets, the colorful shops, the people. I'm there to have fun and to live life to the fullest but I can't remember how I got there. Sometimes I'm in a shop getting my hair cut or buying a cold drink when it hits me - I don't really know where I am. I pull out my phone, but I can't remember how to use it. Everything seems incomprehensibly difficult. I need help but can't figure out how to ask for it, and when I do, I am so confused that it is impossible for anyone to help me.

I've dreamed of being in New York before. Last night I found myself at your house. No, you don't live in New York, but in the dream you did and you are not a performer, but last night you were. I realized I was outside your home to see you. I followed your wife on the subway to your performance - she got out and walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. I followed, my footing hindered by the ice skates I found myself wearing. There was no ice.

I seemed to know everyone you were performing with and was allowed back stage. I was there because I thought I had a walk on part, but I'd imagined it. The dream turned on me at that point - I knew I had made a critical mental error. You were kind and sweet, everyone was except for your wife who could not stop glaring at me. We'd had a past you and I. To my rattled brain, it was as if we were still friends. Why was I there?

There was an elaborate after party - I skated from group to group, chatting and so happy just to be apart of it. I was caught up the moment, uncaring what might happen next. Until it happened.

I was back at your house, uninvited. I'd let myself in and placed my bags on the guest bed to try and sort out where I was and how to get home. Your home was not a safe haven, it was the only haven my mind could find. Nothing was making sense to me. I had a memory of needing to call my sister to come and get me, but I could not work my phone. I wanted to call my husband and have him calm me down, but numbers were making no sense. I felt tied to a train track with the train coming.

You and your wife were not home yet. The realization that you would be walking into your perfect home to find me there was terrifying. I had to work this out. I turned out my pockets and my bag looking for clues. If I could figure out what to do, I could leave before she found me here.

My bag was filled with receipts and notes and 2 phones, one mine. I found no id but there was a credit card. There were bits of kitchen items as if as I was leaving I tossed them in just in case - a sponge, a vase, a bowl. I found no coat, no proper clothing, I was dressed for a party, not for traveling and at some point I'd lost my boots. As I poured out the contents they became impossible to manage. I could not decide what was important and what was not. I'd been hauling all this with me unable to part with anything in case it meant something. But I was rational enough to know when you and your wife walked in the house, I would have to explain myself and beg for help.

You walked in with your husband - a look of shock on your face.I was standing at the guest room door. I was not your guest. At first you screamed at me to get out of your house which I was unable to do. I was caught in a loop of confusion. I offered to get on a subway and just ride until I figured out what to do. It was pathetic. I was pathetic. I was terrified.

The subway entrances snaked off in all directions. I needed to get to the airport, but which one? I needed to book a flight home, but where was that? How was I going to be able to fly without an ID? Maybe I did have one, just lost in the rest of the jumble of my bags.

I was trying to buy tickets when you showed up with your son. Maybe you'd taken pity on me, or maybe you just wanted to make sure I was going. You swiped my card at the machine, you tucked it into the right pocket of a blue jacket lent me, you had me lighten my load of all the things I need not need. You offered to send your son with me to make sure I got to the airport. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I no longer remembered I'd even had a friendship with your husband. In my mind - all I wanted was to have my husband come and take me home.

Request answered: My husband was there beside me. Guiding me through the confusing crowd. His voice reassuring and gentle until he lost his grip on me and I was lost again.

I found myself back at your house. I was confused and frightened and knew something was very wrong with my thought process. There was something I needed to do. In the dream I spent hours as the uncomfortable non-guest with you alternating between being kind, and screaming at me for things unresolved in the past. Time could not move fast enough. You served breakfast to your neighbors. There was no setting at the table for me. I needed to tell you I was sorry for all the pain you felt in the past that I'd had anything to do with. I was sorry for all the pain you felt in seeing me appear in your life now. I was sorry for putting you through all of it.

I was sorry, I was so sorry.

I woke up in my bed snuggled up to my husband, but the dream has rattled me to my core.

I really am sorry.