Tomorrow

Still Stuck.

Went out into the wet cold and tried to cross country ski. The snow has turned to mush. Not all the way to the grass, skis scrappy the ground much, just thick ick with no glide. I tried to find the tracks of another skier I'd seen a couple days ago, but they got covered by the last wet snow storm.

I fell to one side (normal for me) because I might as well have been wearing snowshoes, except skis like long thin snowshoes. Look to one side, and gravity pulls me down.

Are all these stuck days the same? Are they all my aversion to all things financially related? Do I really need to clean and organize my messy office before my mind can wrap around numbers? Do I really have to remove the top page of the list to make a new clean list? And if I spell something wrong do I really need to remove the page and start over? Does everything on my desk need to be symmetrical or at least balanced? Is this OCD anxiety?

So today is a stuck day with anxiety and a long list of self driven shoulds and must dos. Valium my friend, please help me drop my shoulders, release the muscles in my neck. Valium, let me choose to take a needed shower without negotiating other things I need to to do to EARN a shower.

Showers are another sticking point for me. I can get in my hot tub and soak even on a stuck day. But showers seem to take so much time away from my lists and my day time. But there is no way I can shower at night. I don't mind being wet. I mind staying wet. My wet wet hair will take forever to dry on it's own and will leave me shivering for hours. With my hair wet, how will I go and to the list items that are not home? (hint: none of those items really have to be done) I could dry my hair with my hair dryer but that takes me back to the time it will take out of my day time. I know it makes no sense. Here I sit, using up my daytime writing this post.

The List.

[   ]  Clean and organize office

OCD Brain: There is too much to do! It' won't get done! If we start we have to finish all of it! Can't organize without cleaning first. Can't clean without organizing the clutter. Important papers are mixed randomly into all piles. Piles are all around on different surfaces and shelves. One sits in front of my keyboard under the monitor staring at me. I know most of that pile is crap, but ODC says "if you do this when you are stressed, you will loose something important!"

[   ]  File items that need to be saved - set up files for 2015

OCD Brain. Oh right. Does this come before or after Clean and Organize? There is too much junk in the files that are in 8 random drawers. You need to get THOSE cleaned out first! make sure this years files are clean and organized. ODC says "if you do this when you are stressed, you will loose something important!"

[  ]  Gather all materials for income 2014 income tax

OCD Brain. You CAN"T do this without the first two! And those will take forever! ODC says "if you do this when you are stressed, you will loose something important!" Or naje a huge mistake.

[   ] Everything else

Anything on this sublist is usually done before the top 3 because there is less stree in say.. washing the clothes but then pilling them onto the bed. No stress then, but later tonight it will, I could list the list, but there is no point because it never ends. Clothes always need cleaning, 

What to do right now.

1. Stop typing,