When you're smiling

My mother thought I should be just like you.

Or rather, she pointed out that my popularity "problem" could be easily remedied by putting a smile on my face. Debbie, you are so pretty when you smile! While I had my dark teenage moments, you seemed to be eternally upbeat. The only difference between you and her is that she smiles all the time! 

I did look up to you. You were a Senior when I was a Sophomore. You were active in my youth group at church. You were head cheerleader, home coming queen. You were pretty.  You got A's and where ever you were, there was always a crowd around you. I have a yearbook full of smiling  photos of you. You seemed to have it all. I understood why my mother wanted me to be like you. You were the daughter parents could put on a pedestal. The good girl with a great attitude and a solid future.

Our mothers were friends. When you invited me to come along with you to a bonfire, I knew my mother had asked your mother to ask you to ask me. Take Debbie. If only she can see more of how you make friends she can learn how to make friends too.

I was 15. I was nervous. I knew it was a set up but I really did want to see how the popular kids had fun. The entire football team would be there. I was terrified.  I would say or do something stupid. I was ugly and a smile was not going to change that. You were perfect. 

The bonfire illuminated the dirt and brush and at it's edges kids mingled in small groups drinking beer. At school I was ignored, so when you left me on my own it was expected. Watching you drink beer and make out with guys was not. Drinking beer in my mind was BREAKING THE LAW. Kissing someone who was not your boyfriend was nasty. You smiled and laughed. When it came time to take me home, you put me in the back seat with Mr. Football star.  It was classic - end of the party, end of the beer, even Debbie looks pretty good now. You were making out in the front seat while the most popular guy in school slipped his arm around me and pulled me in for a kiss. Popular or not. Handsome of not. It felt nasty. I felt nasty. All I wanted was to be taken home.

I'm sure my rebuff of him was the talk of the school. Who does she think she is?

I never looked at you the same way after that. Your smile hid more than it showed. My mother continued to encourage me to smile more and to ask you to go out again. Debbie, I'm sure she would love to take you along to more outings if you'd just ask her. Right. High School is easy like that.

It was years later that I found out you'd gone mad.

You stayed in our little town. One day you put you drew the curtains and refused to let your children leave your darkened home.  God had told you that the devil was in electricity. 

One day you just stopped smiling.