I share here what other lonely women share on Facebook...

I spent a year stuck in a life that had ended, forced to be a silent witness as my husband and the woman who had been his mistress went into public hand in hand while I spent nights sitting beside my mother in the final months of her life.

As time passed, some days I was so happy I could not stop smiling. Other days I wondered if I would ever smile again. Some nights I was giddy as I texted with friends or emailed back and forth with long lost loves. Some nights I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, then wonder why I kept breathing at all. In any other time in my life, my bi-polar medication was enough to keep me happy and normal, but they were barely enough when there was so much outside of me that was out of control.

I had a "team" who cared for me, but I could only bring myself talk to them when I felt "ok." When I was so sad there seemed to be no future, I didn't call. I didn't text. I did not want them to feel what I was feeling, I closed myself in my room and wished I was stronger, braver, younger, prettier, worthy. I wished for someone, anyone, to come and fill up the empty void in me where I used to feel loved. I didn't call because he had convinced me that I somehow deserved this. I didn't call because I was afraid he would hear and somehow it would all be worse than it already was I didn't call because I was ashamed. I didn't call because this is the life I had chosen and the path I put myself on and there was nothing that could do to reverse time and start over.

I share here, where my friends can't see, what other lonely women post on Facebook: "I just wish there was someone who could hold me and tell me it will be alright"  Links to videos on grief, depression, loneliness... they send out their cries for help that are buried almost as fast as they post by all the other posts and videos and photos and "take this test to see if you...."  The lonely women post and post and post, reaching out to a world that does not see them past their words on a timeline - if they see them at all. And if they are seen, their Facebook friends comment "You can always call me!" "We are there for you!" "You are the strongest woman I know!" "Hugs" "We love you!"

And here, in my little one women world of "what I would have said" and cryptic messages to people who will never read them - I know I am really only writing for myself,