Blue

Blue... the cloudy sky reflected off the melted snow. Blue... the glow of my 3 computer screen's desktop images. Blue... creativity on hold, hiatus, cold, unsure, afraid to let go and be blindsided again. Blue... that place inside me with only the light is the light I allow in. Blue... the few nights I fall asleep alone. Blue... glued to my seat, only to move to another seat, then eventually bed - wake up and repeat. Blue... glimmer of future promised. Blue... Spring...our birthdays in 2 months. Blue... Blue...imagining the sky in California. Blue... my daughter's eyes. Blue... remembering the water in Hawaii. Blue... the color of the morning glories climbing up my back trellis. Blue.. sea glass, bluebirds, hyacinths, lavender. tiny eggs, glowing light on my mouse and keyboard. Blue...a painted image I'll never look at again. Blue...the mask I bought for Christmas that was his favorite gift ever. Blue...just blue... with no reason too.

I've watched so many shows that present mental illness in it's rare form, and how the family and friends around that person cope. Not the full on crazy in the loony bin crazy. (Is there really such a place anymore... not very PC) It's images of mothers crippled by anxiety, anger, fear, and a reality that while it's absolutely real to them, is ONLY real to them. The effects run from falling to the ground screaming and crying, beating a head against a wall, running away, being inappropriate, faked happiness that looks terrifying, Each effect is tailored in the mind and reactions of the mentally ill. But more and more, I see myself in them. It's hard to face, since I don't remember it being like it must have been. It's embarrassing, selfish, hopeless. How could my family accepted and not taken me to the hospital?. I certainly was a danger to myself. At those moments, I was not rational. I was terrified. I was lost in a very very dark place. What I said I needed was impossible for anyone to give me.Often that was the trigger that pushed me off the edge... needing what was impossible to be given.  It's no wonder that there have been times when he felt justified in being distant - and going in another sudo reality. But no matter how it's been explained - it was not my fault. And it's not his fault I'm crazy. It is his fault when he makes his bad choices ok because he labels me crazy.

I'm medicated now and I'm balanced most of the time.  But today.. I'm blue.