So it's now about my disease.

Last week my therapist was worried I was sucidal. Me too, I felt trapped. Afraid. Hopeless. She asked if I'd ever been hospitalized. No.,but the message was clear. Maybe I was headed there if I could niot stop the downward spiral. She added a Valium 2x a day mandatory. She also bumped up another med. It helped. But 2 days ago I lost it with Ben. I got so worked up I wanted to break up. He asked it pf I'd  taken my meds. I said yes. But I'd missed them . Oops

Next day I was up happy and chatting with my therapist. Everything was great.

Tiday I woke up in full blown panic attcack. Too my meds early and tried to relax. Got worse and worse till I tool anther Valium.  Then I hit the wall again. Tears and panic. Could not see a reason to live. Then Ben found my main med stuck in my med case....and I'd missed my mid day med too. It's now 8pm and while I ish I had pot to zone out... I'm calm. No rushing thoughts rapid cycling.

I km ow, however, it's only a tiring get away from mania again,,,

Pinole is non stop angst


B