Closing the gap

We've all gone through periods where we distance ourselves from the ones we love. The reasons vary, but really don't matter as long has the gap closes again. And when the gap is permanently closed, it's a bit magical. I would never want there to be distance as a means to get to the magical, but it makes it easier to accept and move on. Worst possible way to achieve the best possible outcome.

I understand. I forgive. I love and love and love and love.

Eye of the storm

It's like a storm.

A storm blows this way and that - in an almost mindless way as it moves across the land. We are warned, there could be lightning, or tornadoes. There could be arctic cold or blistering heat. The winds could be strong enough to pick up your house and everything in it. After the intensity, swirling, helpless moment - there is eerie calm. Where to you begin to pick up the pieces? What do you hold on to? What do you let go of?

If I could stop my storms, would I? It always feels like I'm helpless to the pattern. I know what I'm doing could create an explosion, and somehow I know I'm choosing it. As I'm typing this I am upset with myself. When my storms hit, effects of the explosion leave me foggy and unsettled. It's no longer mania - that is at the center of the explosion, but it's not really depression either. It's regret. It's embarrassment. It's confusion. It's the fear I have no control and will certainly be back here again.

Yesterday my storm hit.  I saw it coming but my mind was everywhere at once and began jumping to conclusions and conspiracies. Imagine a huge "connect the dots puzzle " without numbers. As my my mind spins faster and faster. I jump from dot to dot creating an image that will validate my racing thoughts. I see an image forming. I can't hold it in. In a second I go from building storm to tornado. I'm pushed by my swirling mind me to be brave. Demand attention! Tear something up! Scream! Cry! The sparks in my brain set off the explosion. He is left with no option but to fight fire with fire, and my explosion comes head to head with his. For a minute or two I follow the pattern where the eye of the storm centers on him, and I connect the final dot to see the puzzle as the senseless scribble it really is. Chest pounding turns to steam and I'm left naked with nothing to hide my anxiety. I crumple and cry and react to his loud voice by shrinking just a little smaller each time till I am nothing. I've fallen apart, again.

I want to disappear - but he won't let me.

He pats the bed beside him and makes me sit, then folds his arms around me, gently guiding  me down till I'm snuggled up to his body  - warm, comforting, familiar. I want to move past the storm. With each shuddering breath I take he whispers "Sweetheart, everything is ok. I'm sorry. I love you."

His words guide me back, erasing the lines and pointless dots. "Why choose to be upset when things have been so wonderful? You know I love you, right?  I love you more than anything. I've only held one girl. I've only kissed one girl. I've only made love to one girl...that girl is you." And with every word from him, my mind calms and I come back together.

Today it's all so clear. I see the pattern and the path of yesterday's storm. I know there will always be triggers that will set my mind spinning. But maybe I can stop the next storm by remembering... "Sweetheart, everything is ok. I'm sorry. I love you."

Best belated birthday ever!

Beautiful day, beautiful yard, wonderful friends, delishious food, presents, my two wonderful kids and the love of my life. Thank you Benny for convincing me in March that having him throw me a party in May would be so much better. :-)

unless of course his future affair is attending. Maybe she was already his current affair... no one had just ended with monika .

My birthday was late because on my 60th he was hoping to be in bed with someone else

Party like it's 1969

60th

Beautiful day, beautiful yard, wonderful friends, delishious food, presents, my two wonderful kids and the love of my life. Thank you Benny for convincing me in March that having him throw me a party in May would be so much better. :-)

unless of course his future affair is attending. Maybe she was already his current affair... no one had just ended with monika . 

My birthday was late because on my 60th he was hoping to be in bed with someone else

Not my normal cryptic think about it type of post, but here goes.

My birthday was 2 months ago, but Ben wanted to have my party in our yard with all the flowers and green leaves and thick grass. So Saturday is my 60's party for my 60th! I have tons of themed food and activities, music. This is the first time we've invited everyone we know... well know well here in Canton. We have a huge house. Really huge - spread out California ranch style with a big basement (photo studio) so it's perfect for parties. And our yard is even bigger.... almost 2 acres of mostly landscaped areas with a creek running through it. Our yard sloped down to the creek and then there is a hill on the other side. We have a forest of beautiful trees and 10 foot hedges around the perimeter so it's very private yet open at the same time.I wish we had time to put up a tree swing, but I will put 4 hammock chairs hanging from one tree.  There is a small patio off the family room, and another large on in the back of our house that has a hill going up one side with a waterfall Ben built for me last summer. We have a deck over the covered hot tub room that is perfect for stargazing. And at night, the park across the street with a pond and bridge are so dark and tranquil. It's like we are all alone with land that goes on forever.

There are many friends who've never been here. I can't wait to share our home with them. It is chill and welcoming and I love entertaining. I know some people will be dressed for the 60's what ever that means to them. I was going for a twiggy, laugh-in kind of thing, but I'm not a little girl. Ben loves me the way I am, so I'm going for a hippy look. He is too, but I think it's jut because I'm willing to put patches on his pants and he has t-dye shirts from when we got married.

My kids will be here too! Aaron is already here and Cas and fiance Mark show up tomorrow. I am excited and while I was a bit miffed that there was no celebration on the actual day - this is SO much better!

Ben is even trying out his photo booth set up that we can then use at other events - like weddings - which we are hoping to get jobs for.

Ok - rambling  - but happy - rambling!

Much yard. Very birthday. Such party. wow

The Reluctant Model

Having him taking photos of me is getting a little easier. I hate having my picture taken. I assume every shot will embarrass me more than the last. It's not me getting older, it's about me not knowing how to show the camera who I am. I hear "smile" and I cycle through all the muscle movements that lift the corners of my mouth. But where do I stop and find an honest smile? Truth is, I don't know. I see myself as being happy, but the camera sees solemn. I think about smiles with teeth, and I look mental. It comes down to this, when I was overwhelmed as a child, my mom told me if I would just smile, I would be happy. Perhaps that's why all my photo "smiles" have looked fake. I never learned to smile. I have so much to smile about now. I am so very happy.

So Ben is helping me learn to be myself in front a camera. He's posing me and directing me, and taking my stress away. He's helping me learn to smile... Not just in front of the camera, but everyday.

The Wedding Dress Love note was a lie

I came home yesterday after a wonderful weekend with my daughter and found Ben had left this note on my desk. It kind of sums it all up.We are happiest when we are together. Since my trip to see Cassie was to be there when she choose a wedding dress, it was a time of reflection for me as well. And since Ben and I were in pretty much constant communication, it made me miss him more.

Through the magic of face time, Ben got to visit with Cassie and Mark along with me. But there were a few glitches. I was at a restaurant with them, in constant chat with Ben and sending him "you should be here" photos of his favorite foods, when he decided to face time me. I'd been enjoying a bit of libation and when suddenly challenged with etiquette of video chat in a restaurant - I lost it. The ring was loud, his voice was loud and all very public. Instead of adjusting my phone's volume, I literally threw the phone into my purse. 

Cassie is an amazing, beautiful young woman. At 27 she is a lawyer and working with her finance at his father's firm near NYC. She passed the bars in both New Jersey and New York on the first try. She developed an eye for good design by growing up with Ben and I. It's no surprise that she has taken control of every aspect of what will be an beautiful wedding with amazing attention to detail, design and organization. It's four months after the proposal and a year before the wedding and Cassie already has secured the perfect location, caterer, rabbi and she's chosen a string quartet that masterfully composes modern songs into a classic presentation. I've heard them and they are amazing. The song she's chosen for the bride's entrance is perfect...classical, elegant and with just the right amount of Disney Princess.

She showed me photo after photo of details she's gathered on Pinterest. It helps that I am a designer, but I could see how it will all come together. It will be stunning.

The bridal gallery was more than a bit intimidating - row after row of designer wedding gowns with prices that started at $3,000. There were 4 stations where brides to be were trying on gowns before huge framed mirrors with friends and mom's watching, smiling, commenting. When it was her turn, Cassie calmly showed a few photos and gave her price range and dress concept to the sales woman who then gathered dresses and took Cassie to try each on. There is a saying that when the bride finds the right dress, she will cry. I did not realize the same would hold true for the bride's mother. It only took 2 dresses. The second one had every single detail Cassie had specified and seeing her in it took everyone's breath away, including all the other brides to be and the entire sales staff.  The dress was exactly her size and looked like it was designed for every curve of her body. Think Jessica Rabbit. Not only will she be beautiful, but she will be the sexiest woman at her wedding. But the final touch, the thing that brought she and I to tears was the veil. As it was clipped to the back of her hair there was a sense of what all this was about. She was marrying the man she loves and who loves her.

When the sales woman suggested wearing her mother's veil, Cas and I burst out laughing. "Tell her about your wedding to Ben, Mom" I explained that Ben and I and everyone at the wedding wore tie dyed shirts we made ourselves, that Cas and her brother stood up with us, and that we improvised our wedding on the Santa Cruz boardwalk. While the woman was struggling with how to respond, Cassie said "it was awesome."

Whether its a $50,000 wedding or a $500 wedding, when you marry the love of your life - it's awesome.

Best Friends

We've been unbelievably busy for last 2 months, and it's been a wonderful mix of design and photography. And every new client has been so wonderful. With some we don't want the interaction to stop.

It's amazing to look back and realize Ben and I have been a successful working team for a long long time.We balance each other out, each able to insert our own style of creativity to whatever we do. For many clients, I think it is that we work together. We are seen as "adorable." I think in actuality is it Ben that is adorable. He is completely adorable, funny, sweet and captivating.

I keep writing about us, but I'm so in that space right now that I can't help it. We are not just partners in work and marriage, but we are each other's best friend. In some ways, its the friend part that's the glue that holds us together. 

So maybe its the work, or the attention, or the easy way we are together... but it feels like now is the best part. I keep feeling his wedding ring as we hold hands and it fills me with ... everything, all at once.