The beginning of the end

You were gorgeous.

10 years older, you were the darling of the design studio.
It seemed to me everyone wanted you.
You'd taken me to lunch so many times, it seemed you wanted me.

I succumbed the first time because it seemed I owed it to you.
A boat ride to an island in the river.
An hibachi, grilled cod, beer - a picnic away from the world.
Just being there with you was cheating.
Sex was what you wanted.
I needed to be wanted.

I gave up control to you immediately.
I had given up control at home as well.
I was a puppet.
The phone rang and you would tell me where to meet you and I would.
Dark alleys, empty parks, cars.
Never in a bed. Never face to face.

The night you told me to spend the night at your cabin I was beyond happy. The guilt and shame were overwhelming, but I hoped you were finally going to let me in. Maybe everything I'd done with you was justified. Maybe you loved me. Another "Deborah" was there when I showed up. You said she was just a friend, but then what did you tell her about me? She left, I stayed. You cooked clams on the open fire. We drank wine. You cleaned me as if my being sterile was critical. Face to face. On a bed. I fell asleep with you.

In foggy morning, I told you I was going to leave my husband. I did not expect you to be with me, just be my friend. You said, "I'm not your friend. If you leave your husband I'll stop seeing you." I left you instead.

Months later I ran into you at a party and you charmed me into believing you wanted to see me. It would be different this time. You said to meet you at a dance club. I waited alone, nervous, for hours until I finally spotted you dancing with a gorgeous brunette. I approached you and you introduced me to your "girlfriend" a flight attendant who was 28 and appeared quite worldly. I was barely 21 and anything but. You introduced me as "a kid you'd worked with" and then arm around her, led her to a booth where you made out.

You were the only person besides my husband I'd had sex with. I was going to hell. Figured I'd take the express so I ran into the bathroom searching through my purse for anything that I could kill myself with. Nothing. No one consoled me. There was no one I could tell.

My life spiraled downward. I moved in with a guy I barely knew, who asked me to dance that night because he listened.

Ended

"Us" ended that night behind a neighbor's bush.
"My" suicide ended before I could bring myself to swallow the gasoline.

You were my first date, my first kiss, my first love.
You were the most unique, creative, intelligent boy in town.
For six months I was the happiest girl in junior high.
I took everything you did and said and matched my life to yours.

You said dance, I danced.
You said be yourself, I blossomed.
You said I want to feel you, I let you.
You said I want to have sex, I said I was not ready.
You said... goodbye.

That night ended my innocence.
That night began a pattern.